I have long known my purpose: to be, and to be peace – indeed, its emergence into the forefront of my consciousness was the stimulus for starting this blog. However, I have since found myself at just as much of a loss as to what my vocation might be in this life as I have ever been, and, more, what drives me: what my own desires are.
Magic, desire and will
Many people are drawn to spiritual paths in which magic is practiced because they do know what their desires are, and are drawn into the spirituality and mystery of the path from there. I, however, am one of those who come to the magical path from the direction of spirituality and mystery, the interconnectedness of All Beings; the practice of magic, especially magic for my own ends, has always been a challenge for me, to put it mildly.
The development of personal will, in the service of Divine Will, is one of those aspects of the path at which I have plugged away, without knowing, much of the time, whether or not I’m making any ‘progress’. In the last month, I have, for the first time, received an inkling that I might be getting somewhere.
Fulfilling all that drives us
I am finally clear that, at this point in my life, what drives me in this world is the combination of creativity, relationship and service, and that my vocation, both in the sense of a calling and in the sense of the profession which fits me, and those drivers, best, is teaching.
(Of course, if I’d listened to my spiritual astrologer, Lydia Trettis, a few years ago, I would already have known this, but as with most things, it wasn’t enough for me to hear it: I had to uncover and realise it for myself.)
In the past, I have made the mistake of believing I had to choose one or two of those drivers, thus leaving me perpetually restless and unfulfilled; or I have focused on the vocation part of the equation, but, not knowing what drove me, was never able to settle; or I have struggled with giving my purpose – to be, and to be peace – a form, when in fact this purpose is directed to and by my spirit and soul, and could be expressed in any (and every) activity, in which my body, mind, soul and spirit are aligned.
Finding the right level
One of the key lessons I draw from A Course In Miracles is the necessity of untangling levels. This can also be seen in other philosophies: in Deleuzean terms it is expressed in the parallel levels of mole, molecule and flight; in Christian terms, one can see it in Jesus’ insistence on rendering unto Caesar what is Caesar’s and unto God what is God’s. In other words, the worlds of the body, the mind, the emotions, the social self, the soul and the spirit each need to be approached with respect, on their own terms, and not mixed together, especially if one’s aim is to embody one’s spirituality – embody the Divine – in one’s everyday life.
In the realm of my purpose, drive and vocation, my confusion between these three levels, combined with an underlying, untrue belief that I need to compromise my soul to earn a living, has left me more often than not flipping from chasing my tail to descending into despair and back again. The new clarity I have gained, this untangling of levels, has given me the feeling, for the first time on a bone-deep level, that in pursuing my own, personal will, I am fulfilling the Divine Will.
As above, so below; as within, so without. So mote it be.